Coping with Grief
Grief is generally defined as the many responses a person may have to loss. While it is most often discussed in terms of the loss of a loved one, an individual may experience a wide variety of losses over the life course and grieving may be a normal response to these events. What might be occasions that might cause a person to grieve?
Grief is expressed affectively, physically, and cognitively. Emotional expressions encompass a wide variety of responses including sadness, depression, anger, guilt, denial, and relief. Often the survivor may feel as though she or he is on a roller coaster of emotions with each supplanting the other in rapid succession. The physical expression of grief is also diverse and not limited to crying, loss of appetite, lack of energy, change in bowel/bladder habits, and dry mouth. Cognitively the mourner may complain of being "in a daze," unable to make sense of the loss, and preoccupied with the loss and events surrounding it.
It is especially important to emphasize that each person grieves differently and that affective, physical, and cognitive expressions are significantly influenced by the nature of the loss, the age of the deceased, the age of the grieving person, the individual's previous grief experiences, and other factors operating in the person's life when the loss occurs.
One of the earliest, systematic studies of grief was the November 28, 1942 Coconut Grove fire. A Boston night club in which 492 people died (Barclay Martin, 1971).
1.		Interview with widows who lost their husbands
2.		Their initial reaction was shock, disbelief, and inability to accept the fact of the loss.
		a.	Obsessively recalled memories of incidents with dead person.
		b.	Sense that the dead person is present.
		c.	Behave as if the dead person still lived.
		d.	Agitation.
		e.	Insomnia.
		f.	Lack of appetite.
3.		This stage was followed by a period of despair and depression-withdrawal. During this period, individuals were apathetic and unresponsive. Their facial features were of dejection.
4.		In time, recovery occurred.
Researchers studying grief differ on the number, order, and length of stages involved, but the majority agree that grief is a process whose beginning is more clearly delineated than its ending.
	First phase	The first phase is typically one of numbness and shock. People often talk about "going through the motions" or "in a fog." There is a sense of unreality that dominates this phase which may be of relatively short duration. During this phase their is general physiological arousal. Both the sympathetic (heart rate, blood flow to muscles, etc.) and parasympathetic arousal. The simultaneous arousal of both systems plus an increase in adrenocortical responding (release of epinephrine in to the blood stream) accounts for the stress that individuals in the phase experience.
	Second phase	The second phase occurs when the demands of living must be addressed. Bills must be paid, children's needs may need to be met, and one may need to return to work. The numbness first encountered is replaced by a barrage of emotions, a sense of helplessness, and the task of redefining one's roles. It needs to be emphasized that this can be an exceptionally painful and difficult stage in the grieving process but that it is essential for resolution of the loss.
	Final phase	The final stage occurs as the individual realizes that life continues and it is okay to laugh, enjoy activities, and plan for the future.
There is a myth that the grieving process takes about a year. The process is highly variable and may be completed in a few months or not for three or more years. Culture, age, and degree of social support are only a few of the factors effecting the process. The process is typically more difficult if
	1.	The death is a violent one, e.g., murder, accident.
	2.	The cause of death is socially unacceptable, e.g., suicide, AIDS related.
	3.	The death is sudden rather than prolonged.
	4.	The deceased was young, e.g., a child.
	5.	If the degree of closeness to the deceased was high, e.g., spouse rather than a distant relative.
	6.	When anticipatory socialization has not occurred. This term refers to the models and training that society provides so that we are better equipped to cope with the various roles we are expected to play. Most often a young person has had less death exposure and thus less grief training.
	7.	The relationship to the deceased is not considered acceptable by society, e.g., extramarital relationship, homosexual relationship.
	8.	The death is not recognized as a loss by others, e.g., an abortion, miscarriage.

The following are some suggestions for grieving constructively.
	1.	No one can feel your pain exactly as you do. When you need to express, find an outlet that is not destructive, but makes you feel better. Examples include writing your thoughts, talking to someone who can listen nonjudgmentally, playing music, taking a walk, or continuing a hobby.
	2.	People often feel awkward and want to help but do not know what to say. Help them by telling them your needs if you know them, "I don't want to cook tonight; could we go out for dinner?"
	3.	Don't be too hard on yourself. The grieving process takes time. Deal with the thoughts and feelings you have; you cannot ignore nor outrun them indefinitely. By confronting them you will move through the grieving process and be stronger as a result.
	4.	Try to eat properly and exercise regularly. You may have no motivation to do either, but both are especially important when you are feeling vulnerable.
	5.	Avoid drugs unless prescribed by a doctor.
	6.	Avoid the desire to be a social hermit. Your loss may dramatically effect who your friends are, where you live, and where you work, but developing and maintaining a social network may be the most important factor in successfully moving through the grieving process.